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Thursday, February 12, 2004
Hey! Guess what!
You've stumbled on a dead journal, no really! I won't be posting here as I've found a fuller featured easier to use blogging host!
Still love the Pitas though it's a great host, don't knock it around too much.
New journal can be found here; take me Jones
Caffeinated @ 09:38 p.m.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Losing computer!
Yes that's right I won't have a computer for long, as we are moving on Monday... But I will work towards getting a new one, faster and better with greater memory, oh yeah!
So I'm cleaning the house and it's a drag, I hope we're getting the dammage deposit back. All that scrubbing can't be for nothing.
This blog is not making me happy, I'm thinking of revamping the content, I'm not dirty enough, this lacks reality, or sex appeal! Some of my rings have got to go because of this.
So check ya laters oh dear diary! Much later, I'm taking a leave... Sayonora
Caffeinated @ 02:03 p.m.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Selfishness...
Is what I feel now after having thought about my obssession for my first boyfriend... He is so down right now, I have no right to make any sort of demand on him, even a gentle one. Although I still have, I told him I'd call him after I got in town, if he was still around. You see he's leaving for a trip, he called it a 'vacation' on the phone, from which he doesn't know if he'll come back from.... The man's depressive and suicidal, I do hope he comes back, alive. I want to see him very much, hold him, tell him I missed him, and that he's worth bundles. And listen to him. I was so stressed and nervous about calling him I didn't really listen to what he was saying. I deeply regret it now, and I want to call him again just so I can get a clearer understanding... I am mad, or maybe it's the knowledge that I've always yearned for him that make me think so. Unrequitted love, it sucks. What goes around, ultimately comes around, I've had people in love with me who were just friends to me. So I guess it's natural I'd suffer the same.
Maybe...
Caffeinated @ 11:06 p.m.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Reality Stings
I was sorting out CDs today, which ones are mine and which ones are his..... Only step one of the whole divergence process. It seems the breakup has finally hit home on his side. He's very melancholic and can't stand being around me very much. I see the tears selling in his eyes, and I wish I really were crazy in live with him. In a sense I still am, but I know this will end disastrously if it doesn't stop now. We are bound to make each other miserable, as we were experiencing in the last 2 years....
Now I'm also starting to hink that my fixation with my old love is based on the fact that I still don't know him that well. Therefore the memory of the passion lingers while I never knew about his shortcomings. Unless you count the fact that he flirted with other girls right in front of me, and tried to fix me up with his friend the same night he dumped me. Really I should hate him. Yet, I don't, I understand him too well, in an eery psychic sort of way. I just know when he thinks of me, when he's moving away from me in another direction, like he seems to be doing now. Although I also feel that he's trying to find me, but he's got shit to figure out in his mind first. He seems so cold and distant sometimes, but all he thinks about his learning his way through life, finding something stimulating to occupy his days and compassionate towards people he cares for. That's why he tried to fix me up with someone he knew liked me and thought could treat me better.
That's how the present ex thinks as well, maybe one iota differently but they are pretty similar in this sense. And they both feel for me despite themselves. As I do. I just happen to know one more and understand the impossibility. While the other is still a small mystery.
I cannot discount the fact that I might meet someone else for whom is entirely perfect for me and realize I should have left Lover A alone.... But you just don't have any guarantee! Oh I wish he'd feel the same and be as curious about me as I am about him....
Caffeinated @ 05:57 p.m.
Monday, January 19, 2004
Meh
Ok so I couldn't fix the CSS problem I have with Netscape because even though I have enabled Java it seems I don't have the right kind! Argh! Sheesh people you think all developpers could agree on scripting that works on ALL frickin' browsers.... And I'm so not the first one to complain about this, I know, I know.
My daily frustrations still revolve around the same subjects how very boooring. I have found a nifty site on the Kabbalah, the Rabbi that hosts the page makes it very easy to understand; go check it out ----> Kabbalah for Simpletons, so as not to say idiots ;) .
Merry Blessings!
Caffeinated @ 10:44 a.m.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Moving!
In one month only! I've got a phone interview monday morning for a travel agency! Wish me luck! I can't believe it's actually happening!
I feel pretty stressed about things, wondering if I 'm doing the right thing or not. I guess I'll learn. I'm supposed to be following my instincts and my heart even it leads to unconventionalo ways.... So that's what I'm doing!
Caffeinated @ 09:54 a.m.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Social Life
Is taking a turn for the crazy better! But it's so untilmely since we're moving... Oh well, it's a result of my new outlook onlife, stop running away from people, be friendly and open yourself to the world. So far, great results.
I actually stayed at the bar after work last night for a couple of beers, and chatted with a co-worker and two older other men that were getting pretty drunk. On a monday night! We had karaoke so that was entertaining as well. I think I'll do that more often, hang out with people and enjoy conversing. This morning I'm doing laundry, which is located at the basement of my apartment building. And ran into two moms and the superintendent with their children running around the hallway, so my sweet daughter joined them right away, she even got to stay with them while I went to do my laundry. And then the super had the great idea of setting up a play date so the kids could enjoy company once in while and we could too.
My calendar filling up :)
Caffeinated @ 11:32 a.m.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Finally an update!
I've been feeling pretty sluggish so I had a hard time making it to the keyboard... So I guess I was wrong about ex lover, he hasn't got anyone else in mind, in fact I think he's waiting for me to change my mind. And lately I've been feeling like maybe I shouldn't have given up so easily. But what am I to do if I'm not I love with him? Well I was thinking that if by the time we've moved and are settled we might start dating again, just take things from the very begining and see if it's better this time... Or not. The thing is I want to take this slow, real slow and that's not his style. On another note, the object of my neverending lust is seeing someone so he's too busy to email me! Ah welll, I'll just have to wait a couple of months until he's single again to win him over.If that happens. Meh.
Love stinks, young ones, don't rush it! PLEASE!
Note to Netscape users, I've just swished myself to 7.1 and you can't see all the cool CSS effects I've got going on here! Sincere apologies I'm going to try fixing it!
Caffeinated @ 09:45 a.m.
Monday, January 5, 2004
The Future Looms
I am thinking our big move outta here feels closer now, as it should. If we stay too long we'll never get back home, my ex lover is sure to find a new woman, in fact I have a mind to ask wether he'd already found one. He doesn't seem all that eager to leave all of a sudden... And I can't have him change his mind, I am not staying here when everything comes together in GP and not here.
He's always been this way, as soon as he's single he finds another woman right away, pity it's the next pretty woman he runs into. That's not being very picky, which makes me think, I wasn't all that valuable to him in the end. All he cared about was that I had a pretty face and kindness to match. I have plenty of other qualities to offer, too bad he doesn't like those.
Caffeinated @ 09:19 a.m.
Thursday, January 1, 2004
New Year, newest year, yay, yay.....
Resolution: DO SOMETHING! Get a new job and work towards an education for a better job, and then live, finally...
Yeah like it's going to turn out that easily, sure.... I attract and love chaos, the problem is I have trouble making sense of it. Need guidance and not entrapment. To soar free and high, but still coming to ground once in a while is my life long desire, and only today do I have the guts to try it out. That makes me happy, and hopeful even though I had to go through such pain and make others feel it too. Somebody has got to put a foot down and stop the madness. He started it, and now I had to finish it.
Ah to be available again, is horrid. Don't get me wrong I love the freedom, I just don't want to be hit on by people I'd never be interested in a thousand millenia. That's harsh, but true. I really don't feel like dating either, I just want to hang out and talk, and talk, talk some more to a like minded soul. I don't need him to be perfect or my exact replica, just alike enough to understand and accept who I am. And he has to stand by his ideas and push me, but still be flexible enough to change his mind and be willing to learn from me as well. Therefore, I don't like these guys who lust and want me, and feel like just because I'm single I owe them a date, a kiss or a feel. You can kiss my ass and the bottom of my dirty heel as it smacks your cheek. Wow that's strong sentiment, but I hate presumption.
And out.....
Caffeinated @ 02:57 p.m.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
What to write about when you just don't have a topic? Anything goes! That's the beauty of blogs, I'll add that to the sidebars. Ooh and I'm making a spanky new layout for January too, but I really need to find a site that teaches cool CSS tricks or PHP? I'm so adding it to the links if I ever find one.
Why must I speak like a teenager most of the time? I need to get rid of some of my vocal habits...
And I am still drawn to the one man that's always, always driven me to the edges of my sanity. The only one that's smart, fun and daring all at once and the one I can't ever put behind me completely. I'm only hoping it's mutual. It might be, he was very happy to hear from me and I think he misses me if we don't talk for a week. Although I know he won't be solely waiting around for me, neither would I, I still think I'll win, I usually do and you can't possibly be this drawn to someone and have them feel the same way if it doesn't mean much. I just hope the glitter won't fade after I truly know him, and then realize what a terrible mistake I've made. Then again I've been living a life where fear of mistakes has lead me and my loved ones to impasses and unhappiness. I'm just hoping for a new truer beginning, although still filled with love for the very same people, but I shall love in a honest way, this time.
Caffeinated @ 01:04 p.m.
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Yule tide
Happy Merry YULE!!!!!!!!
Caffeinated @ 08:58 a.m.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Birthday!
It's my birthday today! And I had some unexpected birthday wishes from people too. How cool! And I'm hoping this will be a better year, a more productive year in which I might finish my degree, fingers crossed.
Happy happy b-day! That's all I really have to say!
Caffeinated @ 02:07 p.m.
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Leading cause of injury in infants......
Is battery!!!!!!!! Abuse by an adult, mostly parents in very young infants! That's crazy, and where's the big fanfare when you need it? Where's the angry feminists? The social workers and all those good people? A child gets spanked by a teacher and it's the end of the world, but an infant gets smacked and nobody winks... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??????
I read this in Today's Parents, it's a Canadian mag that's very intelligent and helpful, go see.
Caffeinated @ 09:11 a.m.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Morning, morning.
Well it's like day 3 of singlehood and all is just as before, the only thing that's changed is that I no longer have a lover, but I do a friend. In the end I think that's better, I only hope he realizes it too.
I worry about being on my own, it might be tough for a couple of years since I want to finish school, but that's why I'm moving close to him so he can help with our little one. If anything should happen I know he can take her... Not that these thoughts don't sadden me, they truly do. I hope it all comes together! I do look forward to making new friends and having more of a life, whithout the guilt because he's not doing much socially... OH and I won't go down that road! Maybe later we'll be able to get back together but for now I so need my space, and he needs to achieve the things he's always wanted too.
May we make it and become better people because of it.
Caffeinated @ 08:44 a.m.
Monday, December 15, 2003
Singledom
Yep ok NOW it's official I am single and not looking. Not for as long as I don't have my own place anyways, which will be in a couple of months if I pull all my resources together and my peoples. This feels like the right to do, even though it's the painful thing as well. Ah man, I'm so worried about how he's doing! It looked like it hit him pretty hard, I think I suffered enough separation from him already that I'm actually ok, it's just a bit weird to still be living with him and all... I hope he won;t suffer too much, I so hate to cause him pain, but I know he'll find someone more suited to him eventually. Or maybe that's just what I'm thinking in order to diminish the guilt I feel. I will always be there for him, and I hope he grows beyond this as well.
I think now I know why I was thinking of the ex, I needed a bit of his spirit to make me come to this point. I so understand how he felt dumping me now...
Caffeinated @ 11:22 a.m.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Officially..
Sort of by myself. Well I've let the cat outa da bag, and I'm not sure how this fares with him, but at least it's out and roaming about... It's going be hard for a little while but enduring uncomfortable situations is really my cup of tea. Plus he is such a fine man, noble and kind. It kills me to hurt him so, but it's not something I have control of anymore, unfortunately.
So we shall see how the next couple of months go and hopefully we'll be able to part soon and before our friendship turns sour, which would be such a shame.
Caffeinated @ 10:46 a.m.
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